For those interested in my faith and calling journey, this one’s for you. I haven’t been open to many about where I have landed in my pursuit of the ministry. Since many of my friends and acquaintances know well that I studied to become a pastor, a lot of you might be wondering what I’m still working as a UPS driver. Well, here’s my story:
I’ve felt the calling to be a pastor even before I personally accepted Jesus into my life. In fact, I believe that the calling is why God was prodding my heart to take my faith seriously. So finally telling Jesus to take over my life came with it a sense of calling to the ministry.
And for those who were in my life, it didn’t come as a surprise. In fact, more than a few people to whom I looked up either told me that God gave them the sense that I’d eventually accept the call or were praying for me to do so. Not that it was to my credit as I was a belligerent child growing up hahaha. Even two strangers with whom I had a conversation remarked that they had a sense that I was in the ministry even when I wasn’t at the time. So my news of accepting the call was met with affirmation after affirmation.
And as a young and naive kid, ministry always looked like what my dad does for a living: a pastor in the organization who headed up a church or two, being looked up to as a leader, chairing meetings, praying for birthday celebrants, baptizing people, and so on. So in my mind, that was the life God was calling me to.
But boy was I wrong.
So I set out to become a full-time minister. I got married, went across the world to get my theology degree, took the time to learn from established pastors, headed out some ministries, did all that was required to graduate, and moved back to Canada with a blazing purpose of changing the Adventist church from within.
But God had other plans.
You see, upon graduation, my dad, who works for the Florida Conference, told me to submit my resume and cover letter to the person he thought was the Ministerial Secretary (the person in charge of hiring and looking over pastors) at the Ontario Conference at that time. So I did and left it in God’s hands.
A few months later, my dad’s friend heard me preach and urged me to submit my resume and application. I told him I did, but he informed me that the person was no longer in that position. He also told me that the Conference was trying something new and that I shouldn’t submit it to the Ministerial Secretary, but to the Executive Secretary. So I did exactly what he said and left it in God’s hands.
The person replied to me within a couple of days and told me that he will then forward my application to the HR Department, so I waited. A couple of weeks later, I found out that the Executive Secretary moved to the US but thought nothing of it since SURELY my application was with the HR Department. But we’ll get back to this later.
At the same time, I received a call from a friend who was putting a group together to start a church under the guidance of the Conference and wanted to see if Jeana and I were interested in helping out in the process. We said yes and shortly began meeting with the group, assisting in whatever capacity needed. We were so excited to see a contemporary church that served the needs of the younger generation and were really hoping that the group would eventually be a bona fide church.
But long story short, there were plenty of misunderstandings within and from outside the core group. While we were genuinely wanting to help the church, we were viewed as threats to each of our respective local churches.
One of the misunderstandings was at the Conference level, where they, through a series of events, were led to believe that I have gone rogue and attempted to plant a church without their supervision and that I did so with the belief that I would gain employment through this process. It took a lot of explaining to concerned individuals that I was just one of the leaders helping out under the supervision of the friend who pitched the idea to me who was also under the supervision of the church planting director of the Conference.
In one of those conversations with a Conference administrator, I learned that the former Executive Secretary, the one who said he’d forward my resume and application to HR before leaving for the Oregon Conference, never forwarded my application. This was half a year after our initial correspondence, so there I was, once again, disappointed. The Conference administrator who informed me that my application has not yet been received at that point was kind enough to tell me to email my resume and application to another official, and I politely replied that I will.
But I never did.
I was heartbroken, I felt betrayed, and I was bitter. This started my path towards apathy, sloth, and unhealth. I was disengaged with life, but only the closest to me knew it.
After a year of gathering, planning, and attempting to execute the church plant, the group moved on from each other. It was a good group of people. We had been gifted in everything: teachers, preachers, musicians, administrators, leaders, and all that we needed as a core for starting a church. But looking back, it just wasn’t God’s plan.
And when that didn’t work out, I continued my path toward apathy and disengagement, disappointed at the situation and viewed myself as a failure for not being able to land a pastoral position. It was a really low point in my life.
But thank God He didn’t leave me there.
Throughout this experience, I was working at a bakery where my shift started at 6 am (which left me going to bed really early in the evenings). But after a few months, God provided in a huge way by getting me hired as a UPS delivery driver. I was finally going to have a Monday-Friday job with normal hours. Not only that, but the pay progression is also something that I couldn’t have imagined for non-office-type work. Alongside a great benefits package, it would be enough to survive in a city with such a high cost of living if combined with my wife’s salary. God is good!
It was at this point that our good friends, Isabelle and Billy, introduced us to the concept of house churches. They were convicted as a couple to step away from their respective churches to pursue smaller, more intimate spiritual communities through small groups. Jeana was all for it as this was her dream and calling all along. I was very hesitant in my heart because, deep down, I still envisioned a more traditional, week-by-week, liturgical, structured church experience. However, I was and still am a conflict-avoider, so I went along with the rest of the group. Little did I know how much this group would change my life. And little did I know how passionate I would become for house churches.
So the five of us decided to start on the journey of house churches.
But even with my employment at UPS and the house church being established and growing, I still dreamed of, one day, becoming a full-time paid pastor.
Looking back, I realize that it was tied to my negative self-worth.
You see, I went through therapy and counselling in 2020 for personal reasons and through the prodding of my counsellor, I realized how much shame it brought me that I was not hired by the Adventist Church. When talking with relatives and acquaintances, I received a couple of comments that implied that the four years of theology school and the tuition spent there would be a waste if I wasn’t hired as a pastor. And through more intensive counselling, I learned to let go of that shame and block out the voices in my head whenever they try to tell me I’m worthless. From then on, every time a voice would tell me that I’m lacking, I imagine the cross and Jesus holding me to remind myself that my worth is in being a child of God. And that is enough.
The second reason I still held on to become a pastor one day was for monetary reasons. It would be great to have the salary and financial stability of someone working for the Adventist Church. And even with the house church, when we planned on having once-a-month worship services, I dreamed of being paid, even if it was as a part-time pastor.
But God had other plans.
And His timing is perfect.
A couple of months ago, Jeana had plans of driving me to work as she often does when she had errands to run. I usually read my devotionals during my morning commute on the train, so when Jeana drives me, I reserve that time for my afternoon break. But when the morning came, she didn’t feel well so I told her to rest and I’ll just take the train, which allowed me to read the Bible that morning. And I’m so glad I did because as I opened up my chapter for that day (1 Cor 9), God convicted my heart deeply!
The chapter spoke about Paul’s rights to request financial support from the churches that he established in his ministry. Paul stated that although he had every right to do so, he worked for his own sustenance because he didn’t want to put any obstacles in front of anyone. If he received pay for preaching the gospel, it would be misconstrued that the gospel is something that one had to pay for to receive. To remove any chance of accusations of selfishness on Paul’s part, he decided to not be paid by the church and instead have his income stream come from tent-making.
At that point, there was a heaviness in my heart that I knew was from God.
And I knew at that point what God was telling me: He didn’t want me in a paid position. He didn’t want me to receive payments for the ministry to which He has called me. In his wise and sovereign guidance, He told me to do what I’m told and His providence will follow.
And I said, “Okay, God. I’m all in.”
Peace.
That’s what came over me.
Any other time before that moment, I would have been greatly distressed or sad if I realized that I was never going to be a full-time pastor. Even worse, I wouldn’t even be receptive and the chapter’s message would have fallen on deaf ears.
But at that moment, I felt peace.
This was monumental because that same morning, a couple of pastors who have mentored me sent me a message that urged me to apply to the Conference because several positions were available to be filled. They told me to use them as references and they will give a good word about me to the ones in charge of the hiring process.
Imagine if Jeana drove me to work, which would have led me to not read the Bible that morning. I know my head would be swirling, excited at the idea of finally being able to be hired by the church organization in which I grew up. My dream of working for the Adventist Church and changing it from within would have been so tempting had I not been convicted that morning that God wanted me elsewhere. But God’s timing is impeccable and He convicted me just at the right time to prevent me from any more heartache.
He has called me elsewhere, and that’s where I’ll go.
I am thankful to my dad for being willing to pull some strings with the people he knows. I am thankful for those pastors and anyone else who always gave me a heads-up to apply whenever a position opened up. It shows that you believe in me and affirms that I am called to ministry. You know who you are and I appreciate each and every one of you.
But being a part of the house church/small group ministry is where God gives me fulfillment. It’s in podcasting and conversations that God intends to use my voice. It’s in songwriting and producing that my deepest worship comes out. It’s in the intimate spaces where I can listen to hurting and yearning voices that God has placed me.
I have no grudge against the Conference or any church leader, pastor, or church. Looking back, it was God who blocked the way so I could tread another path.
And until He calls me somewhere else, this is where I’ll be.
It’s taken a long road but I’m finally happy where I am.
I’m a husband, a father, a friend, a content creator, a songwriter, a leader, a worshiper, a teacher, a listening ear, a witness, an evangelist, and I can go on.
But most important of all, I’m a child of God.
